Sunday, June 1, 2014

How Prone I Am to Wander

I never got my purse cleaned out.  I suppose I will do that today. Yesterday was a tough day.  It was all I could do to get three meals on the table and do one measly load of laundry.  I made a quick run to the grocery store with red puffy eyes, no makeup, and flat hair.  I darted around without making eye contact hoping against hope I would not bump into anyone.  

Things in my world seem so intense and scary and painful right now.   

It reminds me of being a kid and stacking your blocks just the way you want them and then some mean kid coming along and kicking them down.  I keep furiously working to stack my blocks just right and then I watch them go flying in all directions. 

I had already stacked my blocks the way I wanted them.  This week we would finish up our school work.  I would get some extra cleaning projects done. Everyone would be fine.  Life would be smooth.  I would not be shelling out money for co-pays and prescriptions and doctor visits.  I might buy a plant for the front porch, maybe, but definitely not let go of hundreds of dollars.  I wouldn't be worried about my children's health, nor my husband's.  I would be pain free (emotionally and physically).  My blocks would be stacked in a nice, neat little tower I built all by myself.

Here comes the crash...

All day Friday our eight year old complained that her mouth was hurting.  She cried a few times and said her "blisters" were hurting.  I gave her some children's ibuprofen a few times and handed her the tube of Orajel.  Yesterday was worse - much more complaining and crying.  I gave her more ibuprofen and kept handing her the tube.  I was pretty distracted with Nic and other things and believed she was suffering with some fever blisters/canker sores in her mouth.  Last night my husband and I decided to take a look at her.  OH.MY.  I shined my flashlight in her mouth and there is a HUGE growth of I don't know what in there.  It's a mountain of gum tissue (?) in the back and it is hurting her to swallow.  It's unlike anything my husband and I have ever seen. We were blown away.  {Mommy guilt.}  No wonder she's been complaining! I am hoping to make it through today with her and call our dentist first thing in the morning.  What is that?? 

Tuesday my husband has an appointment with his doctor.  He has edema, varicose veins, and basically a leg that is super swollen and dark - very dark.  This leg has been a problem for him for many, many years.  He's had surgery on it before.  That surgery ended up with him in the hospital for a very long time due to a blood clot that developed and traveled to his lung.  Twelve years later his leg is worse than ever and is causing him a lot of pain, not to mention causing people to stop and stare.  It's bad.  

Yesterday I got some news by phone that rocked my world.  This news had nothing to do with my husband or my kids but other people that I care deeply about.  There is no easy fix for this situation.  It's terribly unfair and wrong and sad.  My heart aches.  I am very worried about the ones I love so much. 

I wasn't able to go to church today.  Yesterday I thought I might go and perhaps my husband would want to stay home with Nic.  That was before I checked with him, of course.  I didn't even know he was teaching our Sunday School class until I saw him studying.  I've barely been to church in the last couple of months.  I missed so many weeks with shingles and had just started to go back regularly. 

This morning I pulled something in my back.  It's like my back is twisted in a painful knot.  Every movement is bringing excruciating pain.  Out of no where I made a wrong move and right there the pain began.

While I'm working on this post - no joke - my husband just broke a tooth.

All the paths of the Lord are loving and faithful.  Psalm 25:10

A very dear friend brought me a book, I Come Quietly to Meet You, while I was suffering with shingles.  Little did I know what a treasure this book would be!  Here are the words of Amy Carmichael I read today...

All the paths...

     I have pondered this verse lately, and have found that it feeds my spirit.

     All does not mean "all - except the paths I am walking in now" or "nearly all - except this especially difficult and painful path."  All must mean all.  

     I am resting my heart on this word.  It bears me up on eagle's wings.  It gives courage and song and sweetness, too - that sweetness of spirit which is death to lose even for a half hour.  

     I remember in times past almost desperately repeating to myself these lines, written as though spoken from the lips of our Lord:  

Am I not enough, My own - 
     not enough for you?  
Am I not enough, My own?
     I, forever and alone, 
     I, needing you?

     It was a long time before I could honestly answer, "Yes, you alone are enough for me."  I remember the turmoil of soul I experienced before committing myself to follow Him on whatever path He would lead - remember as if it were yesterday.  But at last - oh, the rest that came to me when I lifted my head and followed!  For in acceptance there lies peace.  

     God bless you and utterly satisfy your heart. . . with Himself.  

My Father, YOU ALONE. . . you yourself . . .are enough for me.  

     No matter what path you lead me on today, it is not strange and unknown to you . . . 

     Only let me go with your presence!

Thanks be to God for the quiet truths He whispers into my heart.  When I lean on Him I find peace.  Perhaps I should stay there.  Maybe that's part of the purpose of pain and fear - to drive me straight back to Him.  How prone I am to wander. 


  1. Thanks for sharing your heart. I have prayed for you and your family. Blessings to you~~angela (mommy of seven and one who likes her blocks neatly stacked too) ;)

  2. Sorry that you are going through such difficulties. May the peace that passes all understanding abide with you.



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